Lost Hope

I have lost hope that Ann will ever read this blog. She has either deleted or blocked the message I sent to make her aware of the existence of this blog. I am afraid, further attempts will befall deaf ears again, like the last one. So, there is no way I can contact her. She has closed all the ways I can contact her. Hope she realizes this mistake someday. By closing all communication with someone, it will blind you to the conflict. But the conflict is still there. Silence won't fix the conflict. It sure will not make me forget her either. Instead, she is closing all the ways I could have said sorry. Or all the ways I could have fixed the conflict. She is like an ostrich which buries its head in the sand so that it can't see the world in front of it.

She will never know how much I loved her until my last breath. She will never know how long I had waited for her. She will never know how much I hated the reasons that kept me away from her. She will never know that I never once regretted loving her. She will never know that I couldn't love anyone else like I did her. She will never know how much I needed her to cure myself. She will never know how much I needed her by my side while I come back to good health. She will never know how much of her strength I needed to regain my strength. She will never know my longing to live together in a valley, just like we dreamed together in Triplicane Mandap. She will never know how much my ears are longing to hear her voice one last time. She will never know my desire to hear one last song from her. She will never know how much I regret leaving her in Chennai, alone and miserable. She will never know ho much I regret running from conflict when it came to choosing between onsite and a life with her. She will never know that I thought I can have a life with her after the onsite. She will never know how much I would like to tell her that she is doing the same mistake I did, waiting for money or power to be happy. She will never know how I am wondering why don't her parents see that she is unhappy. She will never know that I wanted her to stop pretending and embrace what her heart wants. She will never know that I am willing to leave everything I have behind for a small life with her.

Let this silence scream to her how much I needed to talk to her. That alone would have cured half my ailment. She can't blame anyone for not understanding her problems because she never told anyone. Still, she expects others to understand and wait for her. It sounds like a test than any real care for me.