Why I regret my marriage?

Do I regret my marriage? Yes is the short answer.

Let me explain. I had gone through ordeals in my life which none of my friends will believe, because of its being me.

Below account from my life caused me ending up all alone and miserable. Save some of the very close relatives, nobody wants to do anything with me. I have been disavowed and branded ‘The worst person in the family’. I have no image to maintain. So writing this answer in my own name.

Let me start at the beginning. I was born in Kerala and I have a sister as a sibling. I was good at studies. But we didn’t have enough money to enrol for B.Tech. So I joined a bachelor's degree in Physics. Then I signed up for a work-oriented MS program with one of India’s leading MNC.

Meanwhile, my sister got married and I was still working/studying. My mother was killed in a road accident next year. That actually broke my family. My mother actually ran the house while my father was just the money earner. My father quickly assumed responsibilities and the first official decision he took was to get me married. He was afraid that I will stop coming back to home since mom is no more.

Now let me talk about me. I was a straight shooter from the beginning. Schools and colleges are for studies and nothing else. I was oblivious to the fact that many of my friends had girlfriends and they had a sexual relationship, even in school. In short, I came out of 15 years of studies without being in a single relationship. I didn’t make one while I was working either.

An alliance was found, not far from my home, by my dad. I liked the girl. She had a decent education and a well-to-do background. But she told me about her boyfriend in college and tried to broke off with me in the first week itself. I didn’t take it seriously and tried to view it in a light manner. Things got serious when her ex came back and started calling her. She broke off the engagement with me and ran away with that guy. I was completely shattered.

That is when I didn’t trust anyone and created a matrimony profile for myself. Then this girl contacted me through matrimony saying that she was in the same MNC too. I politely rejected. A few weeks later, the same girl calls me on my phone asking for help in finding a project within the MNC. She cleared B.Tech after a year I joined the MNC and she is yet to get a project. I sent her resume to my manager. She didn’t get the job, but our friendship starts there.

I told her all the stories behind and she was sympathetic to my situation. Then she again pops the question that her parents are looking for an alliance for her and if I give her my horoscope, she will give it to them. Answer to that question ruined my life. I thought it was rude to say NO to a friend. Who knows, maybe she could be the one for me. I said YES when many of my close friends asked me to say NO.

Then we were engaged and then married. We had never been physical before that.

After marriage, it was quite obvious that she is not into an intimate relationship, even with her husband, that is me. We went on our honeymoon and back. But still, the expected intimacy was not achieved.

She always felt that I was out of her league, look wise. That inferiority complex drove her decisions below. Financially, I was out of her league too. In the end, it was clear that they were actually buying a son-in-law.

She didn’t like my house and that was over when we packed and left for Bangalore. We had a nice little flat with two-bedrooms. She was unhappy that the house was not in a gated community. She was unhappy that we didn’t have a car. That was all understandable. But the way she threw the unhappiness in my face was the problem. As per her, I was not a man if I don’t get things done as soon as she asks me. I couldn’t afford a car, so I bought a scooter.

Meanwhile, my ancestral house was rented out since my dad had to go to Mumbai for his job purpose. I had to stay at her parents' house whenever we go to home town for short visits. This was a big mistake. It made an impression on my in-laws of a ‘ghar jamai’.

Our sexual life was crap. She felt kissing is disgusting. She came up with a schedule for sex if needed. I should not be bothering her during weekdays. I was given liberty to choose whether it was Saturday or Sunday. Then I went out of the country for a year.

When I came back, her parents have found us a nice gated community and a house. All the money I earned went into that house. Also a loan. They were eager to register the house on both our names even if she didn’t spend a single penny on the house. I was happy that the house is on both our names. Gender equality in buying the house. I should have thought of gender equality in paying for the house as well.

We had many fights in the house. But I will forget about the fight after that particular day. She won’t. She will call her mother and my father to complain about me. After a couple of occurrences, my father started ignoring her. That pissed her off more. After me discouraging multiple times not to involve parents in our problems, her mother will call me and ask me why I behaved like this or why I did that, every time we had an argument. I slowly started distrusting her with any issues. Instead of talking over and finding solutions for problems, I grew silent. If I say anything, I will have to answer her mother the next day.

Things got serious when I confronted her about sex. I was not okay to have sex once in a month and once in two months. It's been more than 2 years after we got married. And the number of times we had sex was below 20. Then she got defensive. I told her its okay. We need to consider that she has some issues. We can go to a psychiatrist and issues will be sorted in a jiffy. She refused to get help. Instead blamed me.

What kind of man would want to have sex daily? You are a sex maniac. You should get help first.

When this happened a couple of times, I gave up. I didn’t want to take these things up to our parents because I didn’t know how they will take it.

Then the usual demands started.

You have been married for more than two years. Where is the child?

They forced me to visit a fertility clinic. When the doctor asked, neither of us could remember when we had sex last time. The doctor gave us a class of how children are made and indirectly told us not to waste their time, expecting children without having sex.

Then something changed. My wife ordered lubricants over the internet and there was daily sex for 2 weeks. I was happy. But that was not to last. It all stopped when she got pregnant. Her exact words were, “Now I don’t need you”. I tried to convince her that it was okay to have sex during pregnancy. She came up with a story about her distant cousin who got bleeding and miscarriage while having sex during pregnancy. “I am not going to let my effort go to waste”. Then I knew that this could be the last of sex I will ever have in my life unless she wanted a second child. At this point, I had accepted my fate as a husband. I had concluded that nothing more I should expect from women in general.

Me: Are all marriages this way and if yes, how all other men are okay with it. Am I expecting too much from my partner? Should I really get help as she asked me to?

During pregnancy, I took care of her. I took time off from my work and personally dropped ad picked her from office. I prepared food and when she didn’t like it, we appointed a poor girl from a nearby area as our cook. She bad-mouthed that kid for not cooking well and talking to me (I sympathised with the kid and told her that it's okay. Akka is not feeling well, that’s why she is scolding. You do your cooking and leave. When that started bothering my wife, I stopped talking to her). The kid ran away without even collecting the salary for the days she worked as abuse turned physical one morning while I was away for the gym. I was not surprised since I have seen how servants are treated at her home. I was from a family where many of my relatives do household work for wealthy families for a living. Due to that reason, I can only sympathise with servants. If possible, help them.

My dad strictly ordered me not to say anything against my wife while she was pregnant on whatever she asks of me. She used this against me many times to turn me and my dad against each other. She succeeded as well. Her mother played a key role.

Fortunately, then I got a job offer from Chennai. She decided to go to her home until delivery. I started in Chennai alone. I couldn’t believe how relieved I was.

I joined the new company. I joined as a team leader and the project was just starting up. There was a large room full of freshers and other candidates for the project. That was when I saw HER first. She was wearing a flaming red gown, very dark complexion and flowing long dark hair. She was like a goddess. I and a couple of colleagues started interviewing these candidates. I didn’t get the chance to interview her. But my colleague did interview her and selected her.

To my surprise, she was allocated to my team, by the management. In the first team meeting, we had our first introduction. She doesn’t speak much. She is very shy and follows her traditions to the letter. She baths twice a day and goes to temple every day and wears sandalwood tika on her forehead every time she is out of her hostel. She is 916 gold.

We started working closely. There were other 3 freshers in the team and I divided work equally. She is a bit slow but had the willingness to stay back and complete the work before leaving. When she started staying back a lot, I advised her to pick up the pace. She can’t stay back in the office every day. Mainly because I also had to stay back until she leaves. She was the odd man out of the team she joined us with. So, nobody waited for her. So, it became my responsibility to make sure she boards the bus safely.

That day evening, she called me. Her voice was different. I asked her what happened. She burst into tears. She felt like I scolded her for not working fast. She was crying and telling me she was best in her class in Btech and how she is not able to type fast. That was the reason she was not able to complete work on time. She reminded me of myself when I joined IT 8 years ago. Before joining IT, I never had a computer. Only computers I ever had access was computers in college lab and hourly paid computers in the library. So, you can imagine my typing speed.

I explained her simple tricks to type faster and not to worry and that everyone is slow first and picks up the pace with time. Even I was a slow typer initially.

She did this every time I said something that made her feel bad. After a couple of instances, I asked her not to call. I was uncomfortable listening to her crying. I gave her my Whatsapp Number. Asked to ping me when she had any doubts or concerns.

Whatsapp became our main communication medium. She said she knows a restaurant which serves good Kerala food. We went there together. Food was exquisite. While returning, her mother called her. She, as usual, told everything to her mother. Her mother was furious. She didn’t approve of her daughter going out with a strange man. She was crying when the call was cut. I dropped her to her hostel immediately. She got 3 more calls scolding her before the day was over.

She was moody for the next couple of days. I knew the reason. So, I didn’t ask her anything. Then I gave her some advice.

Me: If you knew that your parents will be furious, why did you tell them that you were with me?

Her: Because that is the truth.

Me: It is okay to hide some truth. We didn’t do anything wrong. You took me to a restaurant and we had food. That’s all. I don’t see why anyone will scold you for that.

Even unknowingly, it was our first date.

The relationship grew. I knew that I was falling for her. But as long as she stays oblivious to that fact, there is no harm. Or so I thought.

She stopped coming to the office. I had her team members call her. She said she was not feeling well. The second day, the same thing. The third day, I called her. Asking what happened. She said she doesn't feel like coming to the office. I asked why. She started crying. I asked her what is wrong?

She: I love someone.

Me: That is good news right (GRRR). Who is the lucky guy? And why are you crying?

She: That person is already married.

Me: (Oh God)

She: I have to tell him. Else I will die. My heart will explode.

Me: I might know who it is. But it is not a good idea to tell him. Nothing will change even if you tell him. His hands are tied.

She: At least I will know that he also knows.

Me: He knows. Happy? Come back to the office.

She: No, I have to say it.

Me: (silent)

She: I love you.

Me: I am not here to stay. I am married. I will be leaving Chennai in 3–4 months.

She: I don’t care. I had to tell you.

Me: You know what? I have feelings for you. But I didn’t say it because there was no point. There is no future to this relationship.

She didn’t care that I was leaving.

In order to avoid suspicion, I used to be extra harsh with her in office. I scolded her in front of other colleagues once. This time, she didn’t cry. Instead, she took me to a meeting room. I asked her what was wrong.

The slap was much harder than she meant or expected. I was angry/sad/half tears. She was in tears herself. She told me that she did that on a surge of anger. I tried to leave and she just fell on my feet and stayed there for almost 5 minutes and cried. In the end, I melted and forgiven her. We both left the meeting room smiling. She was straight forward that way. No bottling up of emotions.

We started having lunch and dinner together. We will ride the bus together. I will door-drop her to her hostel. We will chat till 12 AM before sleeping. That’s all she wanted. She was happy. I was happy. That didn’t last either.

My wife found out. There was a hurricane at home. My father and relatives were called out. My in-laws decided that I won’t be working anymore. I will be a real ‘ghar jamai’. I was house arrested. I was not allowed to go anywhere. Strangely, my father had no role in it. All decided and executed by in-laws. This instance made me realise my position in that family. Nobody has the right to decide whether I should continue in my high paying job, but me. I almost revolted and was ready to leave. My dad abandoned me and sided with them. But he has agreed to strike a peace treaty with them and asked me not to do anything stupid until then.

My in-laws were starting to realise that I was not going to break. After two weeks of negotiating, I was allowed to return to Chennai, with strict conditions like I am to send my location to my wife whenever demanded. Also, no weekend stays in Chennai. I had to travel back and forth to my hometown every week.

She didn’t ask me what happened. She has assumed what had happened. We started distancing from each other. I couldn’t afford another issue like that since my dad and sister also was against me. She understood my situation as well. We went for lunch separate and went home separately. We were officially broken up.

After two months, I got a call from her. She is really sick and can’t walk. Her friends have gone to work. She needs me to take her to the hospital. I asked her to get ready and I took her to a nearby hospital. The doctor prescribed a drip for the condition. They said it will take 3 hours before its over. I didn’t leave. I stayed with her for 3 hours. By the end of 3 hours, she burst into tears. I asked her why she is crying. She didn’t say anything and kept on crying. A nurse came in and she was staring at me. I said: “I didn’t do anything. She crying due to the pain”. Honestly, I didn’t know why she was crying.

Next day, she came to the office and asked me to go out for lunch. I was surprised. I thought we had an understanding. But, I obliged anyway. I was missing her. During lunch, she told me why she was crying. All her friends left her in that condition and went to work. I was the only one who left work and came to take care of her. She was crying because she felt guilty abandoning me when I was facing adversity at home as well.

She came and sat with me on the bus. But, I didn’t door-drop her. I had stopped that practice.

One day, it was raining heavily and we had only one umbrella. I was the taller one, so she gave me the umbrella. In the bus, she asked me to door-drop. Two reasons. One is she didn’t feel safe during rain. Second is she can give me the umbrella so that I can use it to get home. We were in the street where her hostel was. Then there was a clap of thunder and all the lights went out. It was pitch black on the street. She hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. First kiss. She asked, “Where is mine?”. I was hesitant and after almost 5 minutes, I got the courage to return the kiss. At that moment, lights were back on.

We had a long chat in Whatsapp that night. About why it shouldn’t have happened. Saying “I love you” in WhatsApp is a different thing. Physical affection is a dangerous thing. We both agreed on it. Or so we thought.

My stay in Chennai was extended due to unforeseen circumstances.

Curiosity got the best of us. Physical intimacy escalated quickly. We both couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. It was magical. At least until she got pregnant. We both panicked. Her blood pressure fell dangerously low. She fell down and hurt her forehead. She could hardly stand. Her parents came and took her to hometown. If they took her to a hospital there, it will all be over. We both will be dead. If you don’t believe me, watch the “Chennai Express” movie.

Somehow she managed to stay away from hospitals. There was only one solution, for both of our sakes. It was done when she came back to Chennai. Death would have been a welcome choice if I knew what the future had in store for me.

At last, the day came on which I had to leave Chennai. I was going abroad. In-laws forced me to take my wife and son. Force is the wrong word. They talked to me about taking my wife and son with me. At the end of the discussion, all I know is that it was my decision to take them with me, which I didn’t want prior to the discussion. It was more brainwash than force.

I told her: “This is what I was talking about. Now I have to leave you here and go to a different country”. She seemed to understand it. She bid me farewell. I travelled a couple of days later.

What I didn’t know was, me leaving her broke her. She stopped eating. She stopped sleeping. Always crying while at the hostel. She will be sitting in the office and suddenly burst into tears. Nobody knew why. She suffered all that alone.

The hostel management called her parents and they have moved to a house in Chennai. She started living with her parents. Things started getting better for her, emotionally. All this time, none of her parents knew of me. They were told that she was homesick.

I was abroad and back to my old life. The only improvement was my son. His laughter and cheer made my life bearable. I was struggling to choose between blood and love. I was relieved that as long as I was in a different country, I don’t have to make the choice. Or so I thought.

My wife graduated from jealous into a supervillain. She hacked into my Gmail and requested my phone records for the time when I was in India. She started finding fossils of our contact. She logged into my office laptop and found chats between us. I was very careful to delete the chats. But surprisingly, there was one chat we had which said things about our life in Chennai. All other chats were harmless. That single chat survived my deletion. I still don’t know how that chat survived. And my wife found it.

She contacted someone (I think its FBI or Interpol. Who else have this data?) and got the girl’s full details. Including parents and brother and their phone numbers. She called them and told everything.

Girl’s parents were shocked. They never expected this from their daughter. They quickly found a proposal for their daughter and got her married. She didn’t even fight. She was already dead inside. What will she fight for? She can’t fight for someone who can’t marry her.

I here lost my mind and started drinking. I started hating everyone and went into depression. My wife couldn’t take it anymore and left me there and went to India. My dad called me and asked me to come back to India. I went through counselling and depression medication in India. While I was in India, one day my dad invited me to take a walk with him. I was back to normal and was ready to go back to work as well.

Dad: You know why I am talking to you. I brought you back from abroad, treated you and now you are back to normal. But, I want to know why. I raised my son better than this. Our relationship is at stake here and you need to come clean with me. Your sister also has the same opinion.

I told him the story from the beginning. He was shocked. He scolded me for not informing him this earlier and enduring this shit for 5 years. He called my sister and brother-in-law and presented this issue. Unanimous consent was to discuss this with my wife and in-laws. My wife denied everything. She blamed that I am bringing up sex for lightening the “crimes” I have committed.

My father tried to salvage the situation asking them what can be done now.

Our daughter doesn’t trust your son anymore. The only solution in sight is

1. Your son must leave his job and return to hometown.
2. He must stay here with us along with his wife and son for the rest of his life.

I was afraid of going back to my wife more than anything. I couldn’t take living with her anymore. I knew there was a better life possible. I didn’t have to tolerate whatever shit my wife throws at me.

After knowing my decision, she threatened me that she has kept proof of all the things she found. And she could bring me to the streets. Honestly, I didn’t care. I was not very far from the street when I started. Then she went into offensive mode and dedicated a couple of days to visit my relatives. She convinced them that I am the worst kind of womanizer who will get their daughters pregnant just by looking at them. Those she couldn’t visit herself, she called and informed. All this by saying,

I don’t want to do anything with him. Our relationship is in the past. But I felt obliged to let you know of the danger you are in by letting him into your house.

With doors to all my relatives close to me, I decided to go back abroad, where I stay till date. My wife wouldn’t even file a divorce. They have demanded 1 crore INR for mutual divorce. I am the same person who didn’t have money to pursue BTech. There is no way I can pay them 1 Crore. Not sure what their play is.

I attended some peace meetings with in-laws and my wife, to get my dad off my back. All those peace meetings were one-woman-shows where she bashed me and my parents. After those, even my dad lost interest.

In retrospective, I feel that this story would have ended in favour of my wife if she had listened, understood and put effort into fixing the underlying problem, the first 100 times I explained it to her. Her stand is that I am blaming everything on her and she won’t take it. I came out of my comfort zone and explained it to her parents as well. They acted like I was crazy expecting sex for anything other than procreation.

The girl got married and living happily, as far as I know. She has severed all the contacts with me. Good for her.

I have never regretted falling in love or thought what would have been if it didn’t happen. I just thank God. My marriage was already doomed to fail. All the Chennai girl did was to give me a push and ended my suffering. You should always be ready to walk away from a relationship when it becomes too much work to maintain. Else you will end up losing your self-esteem and will become a punching bag for others (if not physical, emotional).

All my friends who are girls will turn into a feminist when I tell this story. I have heard every argument of why I was wrong. I consider the friends bad when they back someone on the basis of gender. Nobody has to suffer in a relationship since there is a kid. You can always get custody of the kid and bring him/her up the way you want to. Getting away from the toxic person will do the kid some good too.

I know there is no light at the end of this tunnel. But still, if I get a second chance in life, I will ask myself from the year 2010 to wait for this special girl from Chennai.

Note: I tried to move on multiple times. My heart is my biggest enemy. I thought it would be easy after 4 years. It’s not.