Life Goes On
After I wrote "Why I regret my marriage", the Chennai girl contacted me via Whatsapp. I have been in her block list for years. She unblocked and messaged me.
She blocked me all those years ago, giving me the reason as blocking is best. She didn't want me to see her profile pictures. Without saying, it was clear that she didn't want me to message her and disturb her peace. I obliged. I never tried to contact her. There were times when she unblocked me just so that I would see her messages through Whatsapp status. I could have messaged her. I didn't.
Now she has messaged me after years. This is before I published the article in Quora. Her message was clear. "I still think about you every day. Wait for me. Give me 5 years to sort my issues. Then we will be together. But until then, don't try to contact me again. I will message you when I am ready. Currently, I am living separately". Then I was blocked again.
I know it's not much to go on. No one will simply wait for someone for 5 years thinking they will ping one day. But it was enough for me. I had lost the will to live. I was alive due to the hope that one day she will message me. It happened. I had let it go and had gained weight and crossed century. After she messaged, I stopped drinking and went on a diet. I managed to bring the weight to lower nineties and I am 4 months sober.
All of this, not because I will wait for her. It didn't matter. I wanted to bring my life to track. Her message was the push I needed.
Now, about the message. She tells me she is living now separately. Still, she is reluctant to talk to me. It doesn't make sense. I can't reply because I was blocked. So I messaged her in the Carrier text message. No reply.
"I still think about you every day.". This is the most ambiguous message ever. Why does she think about me?
In order to understand this, you need to know the real story. I didn't let her marry someone without a fight. I called her and implored her not to go ahead with it. She refused to hear any of my words and chose to get married as per her parents' wishes. She worked with me for another year after she got married. I tried to act calm and official as much as possible. Whenever I asked about life, she boasted about her perfect life. She boasted about how she is the supreme being at home. She tried to hide when I found out that her husband is spying on her using spy software installed on her phone. She hurt me deeply when she refused to share a 10-minute auto ride with me while I was in Bangalore with her in the same office. She hurt me later that day when I confronted her about it. I was in the terrace of my building for two hours that day, deciding to whether to end it all. Security of the building distracted me that day. Later I got some courage and left to hometown.
Nobody has hurt me like she did, in this life. I have considered suicide multiple times because of her. If I ever attempted, I would be dead, because I live alone. I don't even think she will care. After all this, she never apologised once for any of the stuff she said to me or done to me. As per her, her life and her parents wishes come first. I doubt I am in her priorities.
Then she tells me that she thinks of me every day. Why? My guess is guilt. She did destroy my life before moving on with her life. She has shown no signs of love towards me once she has been married. Every decision she took was with her and her family as the first priority. If that hurts me, it was an added bonus, I think. She never once hesitated to hurt me. That brings me the conclusion that she doesn't love me anymore.
Does she have to be guilty? No. I chose this fate myself. I chose to love her. I let that love destroy me. It's on me. In the face of utter defeat in life, I never once regretted loving her. She told me once that she regret falling in love altogether.
Then why ask me to wait? Insurance. She herself gives the answer. She is separated from her husband. Reasons unknown. If it goes to a divorce, she will have me waiting for her. But I can't wait for her. I will explain that in another post. There are still other problems: her parents will never agree. They will blame whatever reasons her marriage went to the gutter is because of my interference. Then there is this question, why she will not talk to me if she is separated from her husband? Also, why would she expect me to wait for her without any reasons or communications?
So, I decided to keep quiet. But then my dad started with searching for new relationships for me. He started searching for girls and he found a couple of girls. He is waiting for me to reach India, before proceeding with one of the girls, post-divorce. As usual, I couldn't decide because I could only love one person. So decided to contact her to know her position. To my surprise, she had blocked every possible number from me. I took a SIM card and messaged her with details of my situation. She read the message and blocked the number. I tried again. Same thing. I tried one last time and gave her two options to choose from. Yes or No.
She read it and said NO. What I asked her was to marry me in the year 2020. That brought my expectation that she still loves me and will give life with me more preference than comfort zone, to an end.
I still love her. I don't know what else to call this love than unconditional. I have kept her photo as my mobile wallpaper. I wake up seeing her face. I go to sleep kissing her. Whenever I unlock my phone, I smile and say "I love you" to her. I don't mind the real her not loving me. I don't need her permission to love her. She is still the reason why I wake up every day. She is why I am not alone even if I live alone. I love her enough for both of us.
But, I am afraid to talk to her again. This new person she had become after marriage, only knows how to use people. Especially knows how to hurt me. If I let her use me again, I doubt I will survive that. So, I blocked her number, first time ever. I don't intend to remarry like my dad wants me to. I am not waiting 5 years for her either. I will live this life as an atonement for the mistakes I have made. I will live alone for the rest of my life.
She lives with her parents or sister-in-law and she writes articles about loneliness in Quora. I couldn't help but laugh. She doesn't know what loneliness is. I have been living in a house for the past 2 years, alone, no roommates. That is the maddening loneliness.
Does she have a chance with me now? It's hard. She has changed into this other person. The girl I loved is long gone. In order to fix this, she needs to tear down the tall wall she has built around her and let me in. Unblock me in Whatsapp and call me on my mobile. Come clean with me. I know none of the stuff she has done is reasonable. I don't want an explanation. I am willing to consider them as something she has done in particular circumstances. But she needs to tell me everything that has happened after her marriage. She needs to talk to me. Keep an open communication channel. Then I will decide whether I trust her or not. I will need to be her first priority. But all this has to be in 2020. After 2020, no need.
She blocked me all those years ago, giving me the reason as blocking is best. She didn't want me to see her profile pictures. Without saying, it was clear that she didn't want me to message her and disturb her peace. I obliged. I never tried to contact her. There were times when she unblocked me just so that I would see her messages through Whatsapp status. I could have messaged her. I didn't.
Now she has messaged me after years. This is before I published the article in Quora. Her message was clear. "I still think about you every day. Wait for me. Give me 5 years to sort my issues. Then we will be together. But until then, don't try to contact me again. I will message you when I am ready. Currently, I am living separately". Then I was blocked again.
I know it's not much to go on. No one will simply wait for someone for 5 years thinking they will ping one day. But it was enough for me. I had lost the will to live. I was alive due to the hope that one day she will message me. It happened. I had let it go and had gained weight and crossed century. After she messaged, I stopped drinking and went on a diet. I managed to bring the weight to lower nineties and I am 4 months sober.
All of this, not because I will wait for her. It didn't matter. I wanted to bring my life to track. Her message was the push I needed.
Now, about the message. She tells me she is living now separately. Still, she is reluctant to talk to me. It doesn't make sense. I can't reply because I was blocked. So I messaged her in the Carrier text message. No reply.
"I still think about you every day.". This is the most ambiguous message ever. Why does she think about me?
In order to understand this, you need to know the real story. I didn't let her marry someone without a fight. I called her and implored her not to go ahead with it. She refused to hear any of my words and chose to get married as per her parents' wishes. She worked with me for another year after she got married. I tried to act calm and official as much as possible. Whenever I asked about life, she boasted about her perfect life. She boasted about how she is the supreme being at home. She tried to hide when I found out that her husband is spying on her using spy software installed on her phone. She hurt me deeply when she refused to share a 10-minute auto ride with me while I was in Bangalore with her in the same office. She hurt me later that day when I confronted her about it. I was in the terrace of my building for two hours that day, deciding to whether to end it all. Security of the building distracted me that day. Later I got some courage and left to hometown.
Nobody has hurt me like she did, in this life. I have considered suicide multiple times because of her. If I ever attempted, I would be dead, because I live alone. I don't even think she will care. After all this, she never apologised once for any of the stuff she said to me or done to me. As per her, her life and her parents wishes come first. I doubt I am in her priorities.
Then she tells me that she thinks of me every day. Why? My guess is guilt. She did destroy my life before moving on with her life. She has shown no signs of love towards me once she has been married. Every decision she took was with her and her family as the first priority. If that hurts me, it was an added bonus, I think. She never once hesitated to hurt me. That brings me the conclusion that she doesn't love me anymore.
Does she have to be guilty? No. I chose this fate myself. I chose to love her. I let that love destroy me. It's on me. In the face of utter defeat in life, I never once regretted loving her. She told me once that she regret falling in love altogether.
Then why ask me to wait? Insurance. She herself gives the answer. She is separated from her husband. Reasons unknown. If it goes to a divorce, she will have me waiting for her. But I can't wait for her. I will explain that in another post. There are still other problems: her parents will never agree. They will blame whatever reasons her marriage went to the gutter is because of my interference. Then there is this question, why she will not talk to me if she is separated from her husband? Also, why would she expect me to wait for her without any reasons or communications?
So, I decided to keep quiet. But then my dad started with searching for new relationships for me. He started searching for girls and he found a couple of girls. He is waiting for me to reach India, before proceeding with one of the girls, post-divorce. As usual, I couldn't decide because I could only love one person. So decided to contact her to know her position. To my surprise, she had blocked every possible number from me. I took a SIM card and messaged her with details of my situation. She read the message and blocked the number. I tried again. Same thing. I tried one last time and gave her two options to choose from. Yes or No.
She read it and said NO. What I asked her was to marry me in the year 2020. That brought my expectation that she still loves me and will give life with me more preference than comfort zone, to an end.
I still love her. I don't know what else to call this love than unconditional. I have kept her photo as my mobile wallpaper. I wake up seeing her face. I go to sleep kissing her. Whenever I unlock my phone, I smile and say "I love you" to her. I don't mind the real her not loving me. I don't need her permission to love her. She is still the reason why I wake up every day. She is why I am not alone even if I live alone. I love her enough for both of us.
But, I am afraid to talk to her again. This new person she had become after marriage, only knows how to use people. Especially knows how to hurt me. If I let her use me again, I doubt I will survive that. So, I blocked her number, first time ever. I don't intend to remarry like my dad wants me to. I am not waiting 5 years for her either. I will live this life as an atonement for the mistakes I have made. I will live alone for the rest of my life.
She lives with her parents or sister-in-law and she writes articles about loneliness in Quora. I couldn't help but laugh. She doesn't know what loneliness is. I have been living in a house for the past 2 years, alone, no roommates. That is the maddening loneliness.
Does she have a chance with me now? It's hard. She has changed into this other person. The girl I loved is long gone. In order to fix this, she needs to tear down the tall wall she has built around her and let me in. Unblock me in Whatsapp and call me on my mobile. Come clean with me. I know none of the stuff she has done is reasonable. I don't want an explanation. I am willing to consider them as something she has done in particular circumstances. But she needs to tell me everything that has happened after her marriage. She needs to talk to me. Keep an open communication channel. Then I will decide whether I trust her or not. I will need to be her first priority. But all this has to be in 2020. After 2020, no need.
Comments
Post a Comment