Fulfilment

I started writing this blog as a way of coping with my loneliness. Once I have already written some of the crushing issues faced by me, I had an idea of sharing the blog with Ann. Point was once she reads it, she might even feel sharing her thoughts.

Current status is not really different. I am still writing whatever in my mind. Someone reads it from India. I don't even know if it is Ann. No response to any of the posts.

I have even offered to take the blog private and provide her an option for sharing thoughts. But no takers yet.

Actually, I have already conveyed what I wanted to say. Not the response I have expected. But that's okay. 

May be there is no response because there is someone else reading the blog. If it's Ramkumar, I am really sorry bro. I have never interfered in her life, myself. I am really sorry that you are another sacrificial lamb in Ann's pursuit of her parents' happiness. I don't really know what happened between you two. I am not trying to use this conflict either. I really loved her. I still do. I think she does too. So, before I move on with my life, due to necessity (my health), I wanted to try one last time for a life with her. That too after she told me that she is living separately and asked me to wait. But, if you guys are still living together, I don't really know what to think. I have already suffered enough for a lifetime for the crime of loving her. Ironically, she punished me more than anyone else. She even told me that she will kill herself before marrying me. May be that's true now as well. You don't need to keep reading. All my posts are my ramblings. Just post a comment that it's Ramkumar or it's Reshma or it's some other a******* s*******n who owns the email id a******.s*********n@gmail.com. I will simply take the blog private. I can't stop writing. My sanity depends on it. Once I am back to Chennai, I don't need to write the blog. But for the time being, I need to write this for another two weeks.

I am keeping this blog public due to two reasons. One is to have hope that she is reading this blog and hope that she still loves me and hope that she will one day listen to her heart before it's too late. Second is to keep the communication open. I know, this can't be called communication, but this is all I have. I am still holding onto this last bit of hope, as long as I can. All my dreams, happiness, plans and future is tied to this small thread of hope. All I can do is to tell Ann not to give up. I somehow know that none of my messages are geting through to her. I can't resist myself when I know that someone I love is sick or unwell. I will either take care of them or if that's not feasible, reach out to them. Some people have different definition of love. Or worse, lack of love.

I know that I can marry some girl my dad points to and leave all of this behind. That is what Ann did too. She blames me and justifies hurting me on the pain she endured in few months she was alone when I left for UK. That's why I wanted her to know that she was not alone in suffering. I antagonised every relative of mine and lives a solitary life for past 3 years. During that time, I had lost my will to live because I could only love one person and that person is happily married. I could never interfere. Then, one day she gave me hope. But with that hope, came physical illness and pain. The hope she gave is not enough to endure the pain alone. Currently, marriage isn't more than hiring a home nurse to me. But I will owe that person my life. And I will give her my life, which is way nobler than anything Ann did.

If it's Ann who is reading this blog, all I am asking is for fair play. I have no secrets left to share. There is so much ignore one person can take.

To fair play.