Soul

Jackie is angry that I am leaving. Mainly.because I was here with her for so long and one day I decided to leave. She have helped me countless times. I seemed to her as ungrateful. I had to do a one to one discussion with her to explains my situation. I didn't tell her about Atchaya. Even if I have told her, I am sure she would understand. Her advise was to get divorce if marriage was not working out. In UK, divorce is very common. She says divorce should not be a big deal at all, unlike what Indians think.  Our peace of mind and happiness is much more important than social approval. The society will not help us when we are suffering in a wrong marriage. We only have to get us out. If society condemn us for pursuing our happiness, fuck society. Don't do arrange marriage again. Fall in love and marry. Even love marriages won't work out sometimes. So, obviously arranged marriages have more chance of failure. Your life will be hell if society pressure you into living with some...

My lawyer asked comprehensive description of what happened between me and Reshma. So, have given her the link to the post "Why I regret my marriage". Then she said she can't access the page. Then I remembered about private blog. Removed private access. I am busy packing. I won't write anything from now on, anyway. Hopefully she won't read rest of the blog. 🤣😂 Lawyers don't have time or patience to read all this shit. I will need to explain the whole thing all over again with more information once I reach India. Other people reading this blog will be long gone. I even doubt if Atchaya have even come back here after I said about her parents. I still don't regret. Someone has to say something.

One of my cousin called me asking for advise. He is around 30 and he loves a north Indian girl in office. He wants to marry her. His parents won't allow because the girl is too young. She is 21. Their concern is that she is too impressionable. Once she grows up, she will regret marrying someone old. This example had me thinking. Isn't this exactly what happened with me and Atchaya? She was 22 when we met. She is 25 now. I was 30 then and is 33 now. Now she must be thinking of me as a mistake done during her impressionable youth. Now she is matured. Now, she will only think about me due to regret of breaking my life. So, if she thinks I have moved on, then she should be able to live her life too. Only escape from the cycle we both are stuck is me moving on and marrying someone. Else let Atchaya think so. Now waiting for her to come back is a futile effort. If She had to come, she would have already. Now, the conclusion is the same as above. To releasing people.

Booked tickets from Chennai to Trivandrum.

As I said previously, one thing I like about Atchaya is her fragrance in her locks of hair. She says it's shampoo. But I am yet to see someone else using the same shampoo. 😂🤣😂🤣 I like the shampoo because it uniquely differentiates her. Also because she wears it. Why I am talking about fragrance is because Atchaya also knows about the my liking to the fragrance. When I was in Bangalore, I told her also that she uses the same shampoo as before and I like the smell. She won't speak to me much. So, I also don't speak. Also all my grief was presenting itself as anger. 😵😵 That made us drift part further. Then the next day, she came to office using lot more shampoo than usual. The fragrance was maddening. When I came to office, I could smell her in the lobby long after she was in ODC. I checked the register and could see that she went inside 10 minutes earlier. But it was her. The fragrance was unmistakable. Then the smell filled ODC too. I was confused why she would use the...

Look what I found while doing my packing. I had this stored securely, after it had stopped. Then o forgot about it. It was one of the lesser known gift by Atchaya for my 30th birthday. Lesser known is because this is not much compared to the other gifts she gave me. A day at the water theme park is unforgettable, making that year the best birthday ever. This watch was given to me by Atchaya on my birthday. It didn't last much long because my wife suspected this to be a gift from Atchaya since I was overly fond of it and didn't let me wear it. It eventually ran out of power in the cold climate. I put it in a bag when I packed in 2017, then was forgotten. Today it resurfaced while I was repacking. It's a pleasant surprise. I will try to revive this watch even if I could not revive our love. Peace.

Maybe too much. But she called for support and nobody answered. I gave up searching her name on Google. So missed this. Now when I did see, donated on her behalf. I have known about Cauvery calling for some time now. Now got a chance because of her.

Today, had a heart to heart with Kalyani. I took a chance and asked about that disappointment in her eyes when she met me in Bangalore after my marriage. She said nothing, first. Then she opened her mind. She is a Libra like Atchaya. So indecisiveness is in her blood. So, she really liked me. Even thought of taking the relationship further. But she was afraid to ask her parents. Reasons are like I am not Telugu and I am not Brahmin. She didn't ask her parents and still assumed that they won't agree. Her sister Keerthi also knew about this. She used to tease me in Facebook. I was too dumb to understand. Then my first marriage alliance was set up and then broken. Her sister took the initiative and asked her parents generally about marrying someone out of their caste. They were open to it for Kalyani. They were understanding that Kalyani is educated and having a job. They were willing to accept her choices than imposing their wishes on her. This was a shock to her. Before she coul...

I don't have to hide the name anymore. The blog is fucking private. 😂🤣 I was playing with Google assistant. I asked it to play music. It didn't saying I don't have Spotify account. I tried to login to my Spotify account without success. Then I gave up and selected Google music as my default music provider. Expectation is for it to play music in my mobile. There are a lot. At least 2000 songs. Different languages. But it played none of the songs. It played a call recording. I froze when I heard the voice. It was none other than Atchaya. She was asking how I was. Whether it was fever. I think it was that time when I had back pain. I was not able to get up from bed. She called for some doubt or issue. I didn't even know I had these recordings in my phone. Then I searched for them and found the recordings. When I moved to the new phone, I copied many stuff from my old phone. The call recordings were among them. I didn't record the calls intentionally. It's a setti...

Now I know that the Indian user is Ann. After she read my post named Ann, she stopped coming to the blog. She must have not liked what I told about her parents. Somebody had to say it. I have taken the blog private with 24 hours notice. But within the 24 hours, no visits from India. In fact, no visits in December. That means she stopped visiting. When and if she change her mind and come back here, she will find the message that the blog is private. I think it's for best. I was having hard time forgetting her, even if there was no contact from her for 3 years. I think it's time I throw her out of my thoughts. She don't deserve me. There must be some poor girl who is willing to love me more than I do her. It's about time this one way with Ann should end.

Got an update on Delhi. I had already raised movers form for Edinburgh to Chennai. Things are getting ready for me in Chennai. Like secure token and all. So, I need to go to Chennai and then raise a movers request and the go to anywhere I like. I will have to wait buying the new car until I reach Delhi. Tamilians hate north Indians. I doubt North Indians will thrilled to see a Tamilian either. I can speak Hindi and mingle with north Indians flawlessly. Why give them cause for tension with a Chennai registered car? 😉😉

This blog will be taken private On 02/12/2019 At 22:00:00 BST Post said date and time, this blog won't be available for public reading .

The reason I published the blog has been fulfilled. Now I am taking this blog private to avoid further humiliation. I don't blame anyone else. I blame myself. I am used to being humiliated in front of relatives and friends. The new year should be different. This is the first step. There is a notice for readers so that they don't have to contact me (or think I am dead). Ann, wherever your life go from this point will be based on your decisions. Hence your responsibility. You can't blame anyone else for not having all information to make an informed decision. That's what I have provided in this blog. Information. Remembering the epic dialogue from Yaredi nee mohini. If you don't love me, just say that. If you are happy with where life is and don't need me anywhere near, say that. Don't keep quiet or talk bullshit. I quit. I am correcting the biggest mistake in my life. സ്വസ്തി. 👼👼👼സുമുഹൂർത്തമായി.

Got invited to dinner tomorrow. Tomorrow is birthday of next door neighbour Gunjan. Today, herself and her husband came and invited me. It's just dinner. No other celebrations. She cooks good food. Only that they don't use garlic and onion. I had dinner with them on Diwali. Note on 02/12: Chocolate teddy was given to Gunjan as birthday gift. Chocolate raindeer was given to their son Agrah. At least those made someone happy.

Bought a gift for my sister. She wants a lot of things. But never tells me because of my reputation being a miser. So, this time, I am surprising her with this gift. Last time I gave a watch to someone, they didn't even say thank you. It was expensive.

I never thought about writing about her.  But she came to my mind today. So writing. Who is Ramya? Is she my relative? Not really. She is daughter of my dad's close friend. I call him Biju chettan. Chettan because if his age. He is considerably younger than dad. But they used to be roommates. Biju Chettan used to do all kind of work to make a living. He used to do labour work, tire work, catch fish from a dam nearby. Then, dad gave him idea of contracting engineering work from MIDC. He was hard working and trustworthy. His business of engineering works boomed exponentially. My dad used to keep his books. His current business is in lakhs per month. Then comes Ajitha chettathi. For Ann's reference, she is the woman who called you. She was married at a very young age. She had Ramya soon after. Then her husband ran away leaving her and Ramya. The husband was a crook it seems. They didn't background check. When police caught upto him, he ran. Ramya don't even remember her re...

Today I reached 90. Same weight I had when I was in Bangalore. This is the same weight I had when I went to gym for one year. The weight remained constant. But tummy reduced and muscles started coming there. Then the shoulder issue started and stopped gym. Now tummy is back and this is milestone. My weight have gone below this in past 4 years. I am not able to continue my exercises and running regime due to sub zero temperatures outside. Today I am celebrating by making chicken kebab. I know it's conter productive. But small small happiness makes life worth living. Yum yum. To life. 😍